Narcissistic Drama Queen

Whiny and emo post ahead. Turn back now if you value your sanity.

This blurry out of focus picture is a toy my buddy Bill gave me. Since I look like a geek he knew I would like it. It's an X-wing toy from a Happy Meal. And to prove I was a geek the first thing I thought when he gave it to me was: This isn't movie accurate, the Taim & Bak KX9 quad laser cannons are missing.

Don't act like you're not impressed. Because, yeah, I'm obviously a real winner...

Today was a mopey day for me. This whole week I've sort of had my head in the clouds, not really able to focus on anything, and just regretting everything. And since I'm being trained on a new job, more on that later as I don't think I've actually told anyone about it yet, it really isn't the right week to get all spazzy and floaty.

It was particularly bad today. I've been pacing around restlessly all day, fluctuating from wanting to be left alone to really wanting someone to talk to. My attention span was a joke, my thoughts kept leaping around to different people and subjects, I couldn't find anything on my iPod that I wanted to listen to, and I really wanted to be anywhere but at my desk. But then, I feel that way a lot. I look around at the people I work with and it just hammers home that I absolutely do not belong there. These are people with educations, families, goals in life. I've worked there five years and I still feel like I'm bluffing my way through everything and I'm dreading the moment my boss comes over and tells me he's realized what a fraud I am.

I realized I barely know anyone there. I probably come across as the single most unfriendly sack of meat these people have ever seen. It isn't that I don't want people to have a good impression of me, it's more that I don't know how to give them one. I have trouble looking people in the eye. I mumble. I sort of just keep my head down and hope no one needs me for anything. Heaven help me if one of the salespeople come over to ask about something because I may actually have to interact with another human being.

In the last few weeks I've taken steps there that I never would have taken before. I've tried to project a friendlier image to people, I volunteered to go along to the next big offsite meeting, I've been trying really hard to seem enthusiastic about work. And I went to my supervisors about an idea on how to change my job duties in a way to lighten my work load since I was essentially the only person covering cases. When you have a lot of salespeople looking to get us business, I can get really swamped and it was obvious I was having trouble keeping up with the new pace of things.

So my supervisors liked my idea and gave me the go ahead to implement it. Now, despite this being done to give me less work, I have managed to give myself more work. I'm now responsible for a team of people, three others to be exact, and I have to delegate and give assignments to them and I have to make sure they're keeping up with their work, as well as keeping up with mine. And on top of that, I'm learning the ropes of another angle of what we do. It is complicated as hell, mostly because our computer system is really fucking archaic. But I'm being trained by Nereida, which is fair I suppose since I trained her a year ago. And I know I'm in good hands since she seems to be pretty good at her job.

Am I happy where I am? No, not really. But I'm content. I really wish I had pursued writing and photography far more aggressively than I did. I really wish I had done more with college. There's a lot about my life I wish I could go back and change, but that just isn't possible. So I need to look ahead and change the course I'm on now. I'm still young enough that it's possible.

And who knows? I may actually get it done this time.